I was captivated by his love

I was captivated by his love

I know the Gospel since I was little. My father, who began a church many years ago in our humble hut where we lived, one day preached me the Gospel, and made me aware of the need of saving my soul from eternal damnation, receiving Jesus as my personal Savior, and so I did. I closed my eyes, I asked God for forgiveness for all my sins and I invited Jesus into my heart,†and I was made a new creature.

Since then, my life has not been different to any other child. I was always a bad kid, selfish, lustful and an abusive child. With the only difference that I was going to the church, knew many verses of the Bible, heard messages every Sunday and thought I was better than the rest. I never was a good Christian. I think that I was a bad Christian. Always my actions and my thoughts and wishes gave testimony that evil was still in my flesh and that made me feel hypocritical and a liar.

However, the function had to continue. I did not have the option of choosing or live my life as I wanted. It was as if I was destined to that. I was the second of seven siblings and going to church was not an option. It was an obligation.

On the other hand, sometimes I felt in heaven, I felt very spiritual, felt noble and good, I felt holy, I felt loved and accepted by God, but that only lasted for a moment, a few hours, maybe half a day, then everything was the same. The uneasiness, the carnality, the frustration overwhelmed my life. One day I remember I went to a retreat of teenagers for three days. It was the most spectacular thing that I’ve ever experienced as a Christian. It was almost heaven. Friends who sang for many hours without getting tired, girls who smiled at you very spiritual, harmony, lots of fun and a lot of the word of God. At the end, when I got to my house that Saturday morning all returned back to normal, the daily routine and the uneasiness awoke me from my spiritual sleep.

I was seeking those moments of holiness and purity in my life with anxiety and dedication. I fasted, I prayed, I did Vigil, I did penance, all because I wanted to get a little bit of heaven and holiness in my life, but as soon as I grasped it disappeared under the weight of my flesh and carnality. One day – I remember – I memorized the entire book of Romans to feel more spiritual and at the end I only discovered that I had the ability to memorize.

And so I grew up, in the Church and in the world. Believing I†was holy and washed by the blood of Jesus†but knowing me a sinner. Trying to be good and please God but failing in the attempt. Sundays in heaven and in hell the others days. And I grew and grew up. The destiny made me assume roles in the Church where I grew up and to which I was never prepared. Over time I assumed leadership positions in my little church, always with the same song, a bit of holiness and much of carnality, praising God with my guitar on Sundays, and also singing to the world and to the delight of my flesh, my desires and my emotions the rest of the week. Teaching the bible in the Church on Sundays, but outside I was almost a mundane boy. leading the worship with passion and joy but my character never wanted to submit it to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. When I had to rage I didn’t care so much who did I offended or who did I hurt. I Did not have consideration even with my mother. My Christianity was reduced to not drinking, no smoking and not partying, much less not going to the movie theater, but my life was to say the least the antithesis of the Gospel life.

One day I thought that God got tired of me and my sins. At least they told me that, and then, I decided to run by myself. I decided to quit. I decided to flee. The weight of sin, shame, and guilt forced me to resign. I could not deceive me any longer. The Gospel was not made for me, I thought, I couldn’t do it. And then I ran away from God. I turned off His voice in my heart. I tested the world and let myself go by the worldliness and fun. I did not wanted to know nothing about the Church, I only wanted to be a good person. No more hypocrisy, no longer asking for forgiveness again, and again, no more failures, no more church, no more singing, repenting †and crying. I was tired, I was tired of playing with God and Christianity. I got tired offending his Holiness and I decided to leave Him alone, Him and His Gospel. Perhaps…perhaps, He will come looking for me I thought. And I forgot about the Bible, my books and my guitar, and ran away and was alone.

I was doing my life the best I could. And there, in my loneliness and in my despair God found me again. Someone had given me a tape that day and as I was listening to this preaching God spoke to me and told me that He still loved me. That He still can forgive me. If I just am willing to ask for His forgiveness. Yes! again. He told me that He never got tired of forgiving me. And told me that He was always waiting for me and now, He was coming for me. He told me that the only way he can stop forgiving me is when I stop asking for his forgiveness. Then I fall, I fall on my knees and asked for his forgiveness. Alone in my little room on my knees I told Him that I thought he got tired of me and my sins, I told him that I thought that I was no longer worthy to be called a Christian. I told him I was sorry for running away. He did not let me finish, He hugged me and forgave me and I started again.

I didn’t know what I was doing. As I was listening to this tape I only cried and let me led for his voice… that He forgave, that He was waiting for me and that I can start all over again. I was tired of running away and decided to try again one more time and went back to him.

It’s been many years since that beautiful day, when He forgave me, since I started again. It has been a very long way back. I am still confused some times, tripping again other times. Ups and downs many, but He is not giving up on me. He still continues doing the work in me. He gave me a new country. He gave me a beautiful wife, my soul mate, who still blushes when sees me arrive every day at home, He gave me a son. an intelligent and obedient son, He gave me a church where I serve him in everything I can and in the way I can. Again I grabbed my Bible. Again I grabbed my books , and again I played my guitar. I was captivated by His love.

 

 

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